The Art of Communicating
The one goal of compassionate communication is to help others suffer less. If we remember this, we’ve already succeeded. We’re already contributing to more joy and less suffering.
^^ Thich Nhat HanhSome really great and simple lessons on communicating with others. Kind of a primer of nonverberal communication, with a dash of meditation and mindfulness.
The Art of Communicating by Thich Nhat Hanh
The following are excerpts taken from Thich Nhat Hanh's The Art of Communicating. Bold and italics are mine. Everything else is the author's.
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Loneliness is the suffering of our time. Even if we’re surrounded by others, we can feel very alone. We are lonely together.--When a newly freed Nelson Mandela came to France for a visit, a journalist asked him what he would most like to do. He said,
“Sit down and do nothing.”
--Feelings of loneliness, sadness, fear, and anxiety may come up. When that happens, we don’t need to do anything right away. We can just continue to follow our in-breath and our out-breath. We don’t tell our fear to go away; we recognize it. We don’t tell our anger to go away; we acknowledge it. These feelings are like a small child tugging at our sleeves. Pick them up and hold them tenderly.Acknowledging our feelings without judging them or pushing them away, embracing them with mindfulness, is an act of homecoming.--Where I live in Plum Village, every time you meet someone on your way somewhere, you join your palms and bow to him or to her with respect, because you know that there is a Buddha inside that person. Even if that person isn’t looking or acting like a Buddha, the capacity for love and compassion is in him or her.--Say this to yourself as a reminder: I am listening to this person with only one purpose: to give this person a chance to suffer less.--Compassion and love are born from understanding. How can you love unless you understand?How can the father love his son if he doesn’t understand the suffering and difficulties of his son? How can someone make his beloved happy without knowing anything about that person’s suffering and difficulties?--To ask them to share more about themselves. It’s nice when a child of any age sits with a parent and asks about their experiences, sufferings, and sources of happiness. Just sit and listen.--
The 6 Mantras
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“I am here for you.”
2. “I know you are there, and I am very happy.”
3. “I know you suffer, and that is why I am here for you.”
4. “I suffer, please help.”
According to our practice in Plum Village, you have the right to suffer twenty-four hours but not more. There’s a deadline. The deadline is twenty-four hours, and you have to practice the fourth mantra before the deadline.The mantra can be further broken down into three sentences.
- The first is: “I suffer and I want you to know.”
- The second sentence is: “I am doing my best.”
- The third sentence is: “Please help.”
5. “This is a happy moment.”
6. “You are partly right.” I have weaknesses
--Usually when anger manifests, we want to confront the person we think is the source of our anger. We’re more interested in setting that person straight than in taking care of the more urgent matter, which is our own anger. We are like the person whose house is on fire who goes chasing after the arsonist instead of going home to put out the fire. Meanwhile, the house continues to burn. --Our communication is not neutral. Every time we communicate, we either produce more compassion, love, and harmony or we produce more suffering and violence.--Breathing in and out three times is enough to release the tension in the body and smile, and then we can continue our work.--Beginning anew can be done weekly in families and in work situations. It is a three-part process: watering flowers, expressing regrets, and expressing hurts and difficulties.Flower watering is simply showing appreciation for the others in your family or work community.In the second part of the practice, participants express regret for anything they have done to hurt others.--First of all, breathe in and out three times to give yourself courage. Then turn to the person or people who seem upset and let them know you just remembered something. When they ask you what, you can say,
“I remember that we have a cake in the refrigerator.”
Saying, “there is a cake in the refrigerator” really means: “Please, let’s not make each other suffer anymore.” Hearing these words, the person will understand.Hopefully, he or she will look at you and say,
“That’s right. I’ll go and get the cake.”
This is a nonjudgmental way out of a dangerous situation. The person who is upset now has an opportunity to withdraw from the fight without causing more tension. The person goes into the kitchen, opens the refrigerator to take out the cake, and boils water to make the tea, all the while following their breathing. If there is no real cake in the refrigerator, something else can be substituted—a piece of fruit or toast or whatever you find. Preparing the snack and tea, that person may even remember to smile.--You can buy the book here.