Positive Discipline A to Z

Making sure the message of love gets through is the greatest gift you can give your children.

^^ Positive DisciplineThis is the parenting style that we've chosen to raise our son, and we are completely and totally sold out for it. The quote above really says it all: "Making sure the message of love gets through." This book in particular is about specific solutions to common parenting problems and how to approach them from a positive discipline mindset. Super helpful and actionable. (If you're new to Positive Discipline, I'd recommend starting here.)

POSITIVE DISCIPLINE A TO Z by Jane Nelson, Lynn Lott, and Stephen Glenn

The following are excerpts taken from Positive Discipline A to Z. Bold, italics, and notes are mine. Everything else is from the book.

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Both the boss and milquetoast act instead of being proactive. That means that they wait till something happens and respond to it in the moment. Kind and Firm parents take a step back, observe and think before they act. They work on ways to show their child what to do instead of constantly saying YES! or NO!--Kind and Firm parents look for solutions instead of blame and realize that the person who can and must change first is the parent. By changing yourself even in the smallest ways, you can positively influence your child’s behavior.--It’s very tempting to repeat yourself, remind, and explain instead of following through with action.Kind and Firm parents save their words to talk about how wonderful their children are, or to engage in conversations about interesting topics, or to explain how life works.--

When you decide you are ready to improve a situation, follow these steps:

1. Give the matter your full attention;
2. Acknowledge your child’s feelings and grant the child his wish in fantasy (“I wish we could give you what you want”);
3. Tell your child what to do instead of what not to do or,
4. Work out a solution with your child’s help;
5. Say how you feel and set your limit;
6. Follow-through with action.

--It helps to ask “Anything else?” several times until your child can’t think of anything else to say.--

Family meetings

Most family meetings have an agenda, usually consisting of appreciations, old business, problem solving, scheduling, and a fun activity together.Start each family meeting with compliments and appreciations so everyone gets an opportunity to say and hear something positive. Depending on the age and skill level of family members, you can take turns leading the meeting and writing down agreements made.After compliments, the chairperson calls off items on the agenda and helps family members take turns practicing respectful communication. The easiest way to do this is to go around the table twice, giving each person two turns to state his or her opinion or feelings about the issue without being interrupted. If the person has nothing to say, it’s okay to say, “I pass.” This is a good time for them to practice their problem-solving skills by sharing their opinions, listening to feelings, and offering solutions.--Kahlil Gibran says it so beautifully in his book, The Prophet:Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, And though they are with you yet they belong not to you. You may give them your love but not your thoughts, For they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams. You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you. For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.--“I hate you. I wish I had a different mother.” Even if you think this will never happen in your house, it will, and when it does, it probably will hurt your heart if you take it personally.--

Allowance and money

The lessons are positive when children are allowed to have regular, unchanging allowances so they can learn life skills. Chores are a separate issue and should not be connected to an allowance (see Chores)....“I know it’s upsetting and hard to wait when you run out of money, but allowance day is Saturday.”...During family meetings, have periodic discussions about money where you share some of your mistakes with money and what you learned (without lecturing or moralizing). Allow others to do the same. Create a sense of fun so everyone can laugh while they learn....For ages two to four, give children ten pennies, a nickel, a dime, and a piggy bank. For each year, add a few more pennies, nickels, dimes, and even quarters. Kids like putting money in the piggy bank and are starting a saving habit before they know it.--Children do need your help to become involved in sports, outside interests, hobbies, and other activities (in moderation), but they do not need to be entertained or have their time controlled by parents every minute of the day.--Ask, “What ideas do you have to solve your problem?”If your child says, “I don’t know,” do not get hooked into giving him answers.You might say, “I have faith in you to work it out.”--"I can understand that. I feel bored myself sometimes.”--

Bullying

1. Encourage your children to tell an adult that they are having a problem, even if the bully is threatening retribution if they tell.
2. Suggest a buddy system so that your child doesn’t have to be alone. Kids can watch out for one another, and there is safety in numbers.
3. Enroll your child in a self-defense course that stresses self-discipline, self-control, and self-esteem. When your child feels stronger and more able, he won’t have to be aggressive. His confidence will come from within.
4. Observe and talk with your child to make sure that he isn’t teasing or baiting someone who then responds by bullying.
5. When your children complain of being bullied, listen carefully and make sure you let them know that you are sorry they have been treated badly, that it’s not okay, and that you are there to help.
6. Suggest that your child try any of these suggestions from www.familyeducation.com/whatworks: use a sense of humor, walk away, refuse to fight, make friends with the bully, let the insults go, scream, or reason with the bully.

... Make your physical presence known where bullies operate. Take your morning coffee and walk to the bus stop, standing a distance away, drinking your coffee.... Teach your children nonviolent conflict resolution skills. Encourage your children to physically avoid bullies by staying out of their range, and never hesitate to ask for adult help if the situation is too difficult.--Use the “As soon as _______ then _______” formula. “As soon as your chores are done, then you can go out and play.”--When accidents happen, avoid punishment. Instead focus on how to fix the problem. If your child spills the dog food, ask, “What do you need to do to fix that?” This teaches that mistakes are wonderful opportunities to learn.--Make sure the jobs are appropriate for the age. The following list provides some suggestions. Remember to work with two- to three-year-olds instead of expecting them to do chores alone.Two- to Three-Year-Olds Pick up toys and put in the proper place. Put books and magazines in a rack. Sweep the floor. Place napkins, plates, and silverware on the table (perhaps not correctly at first). Clean up what they drop after eating. Clear their own place at the table and put the dishes on the counter after cleaning the leftovers off the plate. Wipe up their own accidents. Help put groceries away on a lower shelf. Unload utensils from the dishwasher. Fold washcloths and socks. Choose their outfit for the day and dress on their own.Four-Year-Olds Set the table—with good dishes, too. Put the groceries away. Help compile a grocery list; help with shopping. Follow a schedule for feeding pets. Help do yard work. Help make the beds and vacuum. Help do the dishes or fill the dishwasher. Dust the furniture. Spread butter on sandwiches. Prepare cold cereal. Help prepare plates of food for the family dinner. Make a simple dessert (add topping to cupcakes or ice cream, Jell-O, instant pudding). Hold the hand mixer to whip potatoes or mix up a cake. Get the mail.Five-Year-Olds Help with the meal planning and grocery shopping. Make their own sandwich or simple breakfast, then clean up. Pour their own drinks. Tear up lettuce for the salad. Put certain ingredients into a bowl. Make their bed and clean their room. Scrub the sink, toilet, and bathtub. Clean mirrors and windows. Put white clothes in one pile and colored in another for washing. Fold clean clothes and put them away. Answer the telephone and begin to dial it. Do yard work. Help clean out the car. Take out the garbage.--For ages three to four, make a chore spin wheel.--Ask, “Would you like to tell me about what’s wrong?” Then be quiet and listen.Ask, “Is there anything else?” This question often encourages the child to go to deeper feelings.After a long enough silence to be sure your child is through talking, and feels calmer, ask, “Would you like to brain-storm with me on some solutions?”--When your child feels too upset or hostile to sit on your lap or to talk, say, “Don’t stuff your feelings. You have a right to them. Let yourself feel sad. Let me know if you want to talk about it.”--“I feel _______ because _______ and I wish _______.” (I feel upset when my brother knocks over my Legos because I worked hard on that building, and I wish you would tell him to leave my toys alone.)--Encourage children to put things they are upset about on the family meeting agenda so the whole family can help with solutions.--Children can be very literal, so don’t use words like he went to sleep, he left us, he’s happy now, we lost him, he got sick and died, he died because he’s old. These phrases conjure up all sorts of fantasies and fears about what it means to die.--“Could it be that you are angry because you think I boss you around too much?” “Could it be that you feel hurt because the baby gets so much attention?”--

Let your child know that you need her help and say, “I would appreciate anything you could do to help.” This often invites cooperation instead of defiance.

--Hold regular family meetings so the kids can place items important to them on the agenda.At the meeting, ask your children if they just want to complain or if they would like to have the family do some problem solving. Either would be fine.--

1. It’s more important to try to understand why your children think the way they do and what their issues are than to try to rectify the situation or prevent injustices from happening.
2. “It’s not fair” ceases to be an expression that manipulates parents to fix things when it is met with either curiosity or turning the problem back to the children. One father stopped complaints about unfairness simply by saying, “I don’t do fair.”

--Encourage your children to deal with difficult situations in small steps. If they are afraid of the dark, put a night-light in their room. If they don’t think they can sleep in their own rooms, fill their hands with your kisses and tell them every time they miss you to open their hands and take out a kiss. If they think there are monsters in the closet or under the bed, do a search with them before bedtime and let them sleep with a flashlight.--

It takes courage to raise children and to develop the understanding to know the difference between what is in your control and what is not.

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Your job is to empower your children and teach them to care for themselves. Work every day on building skills and courage in children.

--If your child chooses a friend you don’t like, invite that person into your home often and hope that the love and values you practice will be beneficial to him or her.--Don’t worry about whether your child has the right number of friends. Some prefer just one best friend; some like to be part of a large group of friends.--Make your home a place where kids love to come because they experience unconditional love, safe and respectful rules, and plenty of fun, child-oriented activities.--When a friend comes over, say to your child, “I would like to spend five minutes with you without any interruptions from my friend. Then I would like some uninterrupted time with my friend. You first, then my friend.” (Let your friend know in advance what you would like to do and why—to help your child feel loved and to learn to respect your time too.)--For ages two to five, say, “Would you like to get a book or toy and sit next to me while I’m on the phone?”--Wait until small children are sleeping to make phone calls. For ages three to four, let your child help you put some favorite toys in a box. Label this the “phone box.” Plan ahead with your child to keep herself busy with the phone box while you are on the phone.--Have a junk drawer near the phone. There are all kinds of interesting throwaway things you can put in a junk drawer. Let your child explore the junk drawer when you are on the phone.--Tootie Byrd, an inspirational speaker, once said,

“There are four stages of development for children: Pick me up, hold me tight, put me down, let me go.”

--Take your lead from your child. Before you jump in, watch to see what your child does first. Keep a safe distance, but keep your lips zipped and your eyes wide open. You may be surprised at how often your child solves a problem without your help. With older children wait awhile and then ask, “Would you like my help?” Even then, don’t rescue, but brainstorm ideas they can implement.--Know the difference between praise and encouragement. Watch out for good boy, good girl, and instead be specific about what the child does: “Thanks for helping me walk the dog. She really likes the way you hold her leash.” Or “I notice that you’re the kind of kid who likes to cut your own food.”--A relaxed morning routine will help so your child doesn’t feel the stress of rushing. Leave early enough to allow five to ten minutes for transition when you take your child to preschool and when you pick her up.When arriving in the morning, let her show you some of her favorite things and/or introduce you to her friends. At departure time, let her show you things she has done during the day.--Find a good preschool.a. Check the credentials of the people supervising and working in the preschool. The minimum requirement should be a two-year degree in an early childhood education program.b. Interview the preschool staff members regarding their discipline policies. Make sure they do not advocate punishment or any kind of discipline that is humiliating or disrespectful to children.c. When you find a preschool that seems good to you, ask if you and your child can spend at least three hours at the school so you can observe the school in action and how your child responds to it. This also gives you an opportunity to find out if what the staff members say is what they do. If this is against school policy, find another school where observation is welcome.--You may want to consider sending your child to a parent cooperative preschool. At a co-op you can share the school experience with your child, save money, and be involved in parent education classes. However if you have an extremely possessive child who does not want to share you with other children, a co-op could be a stressful experience.--For ages three to five, most children do fine extending their preschool time to five mornings or three days a week.--Prepare your child for separation. Take time for training by role-playing. Pretend you are going to the door of the preschool and ask your child if she will give you a big hug before she goes to school. Then have her pretend that she is clinging to your leg and crying. Then let her know she has a choice when you go to school—to give you a hugging good-bye or a crying good-bye. When following through, your actions speak louder than words.--

Children are forming their ideas and opinions every day.

How they think today may be different from how they think tomorrow, but they still need their parent’s ear and support. They need validation that their opinions are listened to and taken seriously.--You can buy the book here. :)